... makes mommy very crazy.
I don't know how it's supposed to be. But I get so frustrated when we're with Catherine at a social event because I spend 90% of my attention on her. Even if someone else is with her, it doesn't help. I'm always thinking - is she comfortable? Is she hungry, does she need to be changed? What on earth is that in her mouth? Is she going for the stairs again? And Stephen - bless him, he really does try to help. But that doesn't even help. If we're standing near each other, she'll more than likely reach for me anyways.
It's happened plenty of times before, but tonight we were at the Vancils' home for their birthday party. I was so excited to see everyone there. All of Catherine's gRodparents were there, even her godfather Matt (we love you Camille!). Great food, great company. And I feel like I missed out on most of it. I spent all of my attention chasing after her, making sure she was OK with the dogs, making sure she didn't eat the confetti, get into the candle or eat the coasters (I was too late - she took a chunk out of one of the cork coasters). I got tired way before Catherine did.
So how am I supposed to do it? Am I supposed to be able to turn off that mommy-sense? Or do I just accept that I won't be able to have fun for the next decade or so? There are times when we have a chance to go out without her - I'm fine then. But there are times that we want her to go or other times that we simply won't be forgiven if we come without her, and if she's in the vacinity, I am mom and not the fun loving girl that I am (don't laugh, OK? - jeez!). Moms out there? Any thoughts?
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3 comments:
Obviously I don't have any kids so this is all just ideas to perhaps give it a try and then let me know if they work someday when I have kids of my own. But the first thing that comes to mind from reading your post is maybe to try being a little more intentional about involving your partner. You may not be able to stop Catherine from reaching for you and who would want to turn that sweet girl away anyway, but as far as being on active duty maybe try taking turns. Make a plan together before arriving of how you want to approach the evening and who will be responsible for what. For example, perhaps you take feeding duties, Steven takes diaper duty, and you both switch off at certain points of the evening watching her to give the other a break.
Do your best to eliminate concerns that you feel might nag at you and keep you from being able to relax and have a good time. Make sure she is well fed and rested before the game. Ask your hosts if you can rearrange non-baby proofed dangerous items in their household not only for Catherine's protection but for theirs so that she does not destroy valuable objects, set fire to their home, or poison their pets. Maybe even check with your hosts before hand to see how they feel about you bringing a couple of baby gates from home to help contain her and keep an eye on her more easily.
Finally, when you are "off duty" allow yourself to be "off duty" and put your trust in your partner to handle things even if he might handle them differently than you would. If he makes a decision that you disagree with, make a note of it to discuss later after the party rather than stepping in immediately. Boys will sometimes be sneaky and try to get away with what they can but they can and are willing to help when you give them the space and freedom to do so which also means giving yourself space and freedom from bearing the sole responsibility. Allow yourself to be ready and willing to hand over the reigns and put your trust in Steven's wonderful skills as a father.
I can only begin to imagine how strong the connection must be between a mother and a child. I am quite sure that it's not possible or even desirable to turn off the Mommy Radar completely even when it's not your "turn" to watch her. But maybe the goal can be to start by going from 90% Catherine focused to 50% and then eventually even down to 25%. At the end of the day, Catherine still knows she is loved, you and Steven are communicating more about her needs and becoming a better parenting team, and your wonderful friends get to enjoy you not just as mother but as the whole fun person that you are.
Brie - you are a mom to a curious one-year-old and everything you wrote is normal.
You can't turn off mom-radar, you only learn how to relax a wee bit as they grow older and learn that coasters don't taste good, confetti isn't nearly as good as getting cupcakes at a party.
Take turns with Stephen. Give each other assigned half hours of being parent on duty so that you both get a chance to have snippets of adult conversations with those who you'd like to see and talk to. But being a first-time mom is hard, because no one (and I mean NO one) is good enough to hold your baby even if you know that they wouldn't do anything harmful. Trust me, I had a hard time letting go off my first-born for any extended reasons, the second one ... different story, I was more than happy to pass baby off to whoever was willing to hold her.
So in short, perfectly normal feelings.
Yeah, what Lena said was right on. Patrick is the same right now, all mom all the time. I accept that my fun quotiant is just a bit lower right now. And I'm happy to get out without him when possible.
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