Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize that you may be over your head? Oh boy...
Here's my attempt at organizing my life.
My current responsibilities (and I'm just going for bigger categories here, not individual items on my to do list):
- Catherine (being able to spend time with her, waking up, bed time, shuffling to and from daycare, and overall being the best mom possible)
- School (8-12 hours of class a week plus an additional 15-20 hours a week needed for studying)
- Home (daily chores, overall care, paying bills, food shopping - whatever is necessary to live in a clean and healthy home and have healthy food to eat. At least as much as possible. If you could see our home right now, you'd know that cleaning is not high on the prioroty list. But it needs to be healthy.)
- Work (20-25 hours a week, plus 1 hour a day minimum in commuting)
Not listed: choir, personal care, exercise (ha!), time with Stephen, time with friends and family, and never mind the things that I would prefer to do on my own if I ever had time to myself. Also coming up: holidays and - hello! - MOVING!
It's only the 3rd week of school, but I'm beginning to think "how much longer can I keep this up?" I'm feeling guilty about not spending enough time at home with Stephen and Catherine. Because my class is in the middle of the day, I work evenings and weekends - the only time that Stephen is home.
I generally get 1-2 hours with Catherine in the morning, which constitutes breakfast and getting ready. Then I drop her off before class and Stephen picks her up at the end of the day. After class I head to work with maybe a bit of time for studying in between. I get home between 9-10pm; Catherine of course is already asleep and there's barely time for a debriefing with Stephen before he gets to bed.
This isn't every single day, but it's often enough that I'm going out of my mind. What do I do? If I want to spend more time with Catherine, I often don't get to study as much as I need to. If I need more time to study, I might even call in sick to work. Where does it stop? I'm in school to get a good career and help support my family in the future. I'm working to help bring income in to help support my family now. And I'm with Catherine - well, that needs no explaining. I feel like either way I go, I'm betraying my family.
I told Stephen last night that I've been thinking about that time when I need to stop working to focus on Catherine and school, and realizing that time may be coming sooner than I planned. I think I freaked him out, and for good reason. I don't bring in much money, but we're talking about buying a house. I could see dollar figures pass through his head as the panic threatened to set in, but he was trying to be supportive with the words coming out of his mouth.
My priorities are clear - work is at the bottom of the list, but then I'm not helping with our family income like we need. What to do?
No, seriously. What do I do?
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2 comments:
Start making lists. What will you save if you don't work, does your job have medical...what is the least amount of hours you can work to keep your medical, how much would you save if Catherine is not in daycare 5 days a week, What days do you have school just put her in those days....And finally the big picture...if you are stressing out about it this much...why not just take any vacation time you have and take a month long leave of absence from your job. This way you can see if it is worth it to try to not work. Stephan is on the same pay scale as Jeff so I have an idea of what you make if you are making what I make. Try the month long vacation(haha) see how you feel at the end of that.
Remember that you are going to school to get a better job to make a better life for you and your family. Catherine will thank you for it in the long run, not to mention how good you will feel doing something that you truly love, and that will benefit your marriage! :) No one is superman/superwoman, so if you need a break from work or school, do it and then go back in another semester or find a different job. It will all work out! xoxo
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