Older blog from myspace: from 2-27-07

I thought I'd play a bit of catchup for those who haven't read my myspace blog:

reflections on being a mother

Becoming a parent is perhaps the most life-changing event anyone can go through. I know it sounds cliche - we've all heard that a million times, right? But there is no way to comprehend the true meaning of everything that you have heard until you are there in the delivery room, looking at the face of your child for the first time. And then the first sleepless night. And the first time that your baby successfully takes food from you. And the first panicky call to the doctor. And the first car trip, adjusting the straps on the car seat a dozen times to ensure the safety of this tiny person that is now the center of your life.

Hmm... have you gotten the hint that there's a potential for a very, very long blog here? You may be right... I don't blog very often and this is the biggest change in my entire life - of course I could go on forever. And I will. So indulge me please as I attempt (and no doubt will fail) to put words to this incredible landmark in my life.

It's been almost 4 weeks - just amazing, really. In one way it seems like it has only been days because it has flown by. Stephen pointed out that it also feels like years - not because time has dragged on, but because this new life seems so natural to us that it feels as if we've been doing it for years.

Though he must feel more natural at it than I feel. I admit that I have struggled a lot. I'm showing signs of being an overprotective mother. Normal I think - I'm new at this, and she is still so little and defenseless. I suddenly identify with any mother bear protecting her cubs.

But the struggles - emotionally, physically. I expected the emotional problems. And physically - two words: sleep deprivation. And there are moments when I long for the time that I could go out on a whim - for anything, because even boring errands are now a ton more difficult. But then I see her sleeping peacefully and I have time to take in every bit of her. Her gorgeous, dark hair; her cute little nose; her pouty little lips; her impossibly tiny toes; her surprisingly feminine fingers. Then she opens her eyes (so big and blue), and I can see that she is taking in everything around her, and I can almost see into her speedily developing mind as she learns more each day then we do in a year. Everything is so new to her - and it's up to us to help her learn and grow.

And I realize that we made her - she is Stephen, and she is me. How is that possible? She's too good, too beautiful - she can't be ours. Caught up in emotions of love and awe, I forget about the struggles and I realize how lucky I am. Anything that we go through now is worth it.

I look at her and I wonder at how amazing God is. It's moments like these that I think 'how can anyone look at a newborn baby and not believe in God?' (Usually I am much more liberal about accepting anyone's religious views, but at the moment I am indulging in my awe and wonder at this little angel that I am holding in my arms - I couldn't care less about anything else right now) Each baby is a little angel, sent by God. Each angel brings it's own challenges to the parents, with each having a reason for coming into the world. My favorite of her books is called 'God Gave Us You' - it follows a mother polar bear answering the question presented to her by her little bear cub 'Why am I here?' She tells her cub of how she carried the cub and felt him move inside her and how the cub's mother and father were so excited of his arrival. And after every bit of her story she says of her motherly love "God gave us you". I cry every time I read it - OK, I'm even getting teary eyed now. It is a wonderful description of how lucky a parent feels receiving such a gift from God.

I am incredibly blessed in my life - to a new level that I didn't think was possible. I am blessed with this tiny little baby, and I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is an incredible father. Really, I would not have survived so far had it not been for him being by my side.

If I had to (literally) sum it up: worrying + sleep deprivation + the strongest most amazing love you've ever felt = parenthood. It's the toughest job you'll ever love - and man do I love it.

And in true parenting style, it took me about 2 and a half hours to write this - interupted by two diaper changes, a feeding, about a dozen binky rescues, and typing part of it one handed while I held her. Hee hee... gotta love it.