Finding peace
A year has gone to by too fast.
We lost a wonderful spirit - a wonderful light in the world.
A mother, a wife, a friend, an amazing woman.
She wasn't my mother, she was my friend.
But she treated me like family.
She was my friend's mother - and in many ways was like a mother to me.
She would have been - she is - part of my daughter's godfamily.
I wish I would have known her better. Hindsight is an awful thing.
We lost a wonderful spirit - but her light still shines in each of us.
And with that her immortal spirit will be alive forever.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~
(lyrics from 'Tough' by Craig Morgan)
We sat there five years ago
The doctors let us know, the test showed
She'd have to fight to live, I broke down and cried
She held me and said it's gonna be alright
She wore that wig to church
Pink ribbon pinned there on her shirt
No room for fear, full of faith
Hands held high singing Amazing Grace
Never once complained, refusing to give up
And I thought I was tough
She's strong, pushes on, can't slow her down
She can take anything life dishes out
There was a time
Back before she was mine
When I thought I was tough
In memory of Karin Mesmer
October 7, 1948 - August 14, 2006
I love you, Camille - I know that there are very few people that miss her as much as you do.
My thoughts and love are with you every day, but especially on this day.
Showing posts with label archive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label archive. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Older blog from myspace: from 7-5-07
More catchup from my myspace blog:
It has been 5 months (and a few days, really). 5 months since I waited to see her -- since that moment when I didn't know she had already been taken from me because I didn't hear her crying -- turns out she came into the world quiet, looking around and taking everything in.
And wouldn't you know it, that was a pretty good indication of her personality. She still has those moments - quiet, looking around and taking everything in. You can almost see all the tiny gears in her developing mind working hard. Those big beautiful blue eyes look at you with thoughtfulness and curiousity .
My favorite moments: When she is lying in her crib and starting to fuss (or all-out crying, that happens too), and I peak my head over the railing of the crib and she sees my face - then she stops crying or fussing, and flashes her big smile at me. That melts my heart. She knows me, she's happy to see me, and she knows that because I'm there everything is alright. What more can you ask for?
Because it's not just her that has grown and developed - so have I. I'm a mom now. Sure, from the moment she was born I officially became a mother. But now I'm a mom. Just call me mommy - that's me! I feel redefined as a woman - redefined as a new me. I have encountered many new things about myself - didn't know I could do so many things at once for instance (I can do loads of laundry, make a bottle, make my coffee, entertain her, feed the cats, and study - all at once - wait... did I get to drink that coffee?). Didn't know I could still pull all-nighters (not quite the same when it doesn't involve partying and/or studying, though). I didn't know that I could possibly love my husband any more than I already did, but after seeing him take care of her, I love him a million times more (heads up guys - being a good daddy is a VERY sexy quality in a man). And I didn't know that my heart could possibly contain the amount of love that I have for our baby.
In the past 5 months, she has babbled her way in and out of conversations (her favorite sound: raspberries). She has smiled and laughed a thousand times. She has proved to be a thoughtful, smart, and independent little girl. She hasn't rolled over yet - but has started sitting on her own. She is sleeping pretty well - most nights she will even sleep through the night. She has even started eating some "solid" foods (sweet potatoes - yum!). And in the last 5 months this little girl has us wrapped around her tiny baby finger incredibly tight.
Oh who am I kidding -- that didn't take 5 months, that took 5 seconds. How much do we love our little baby girl... let me count the ways... =)
It has been 5 months (and a few days, really). 5 months since I waited to see her -- since that moment when I didn't know she had already been taken from me because I didn't hear her crying -- turns out she came into the world quiet, looking around and taking everything in.
And wouldn't you know it, that was a pretty good indication of her personality. She still has those moments - quiet, looking around and taking everything in. You can almost see all the tiny gears in her developing mind working hard. Those big beautiful blue eyes look at you with thoughtfulness and curiousity .
My favorite moments: When she is lying in her crib and starting to fuss (or all-out crying, that happens too), and I peak my head over the railing of the crib and she sees my face - then she stops crying or fussing, and flashes her big smile at me. That melts my heart. She knows me, she's happy to see me, and she knows that because I'm there everything is alright. What more can you ask for?
Because it's not just her that has grown and developed - so have I. I'm a mom now. Sure, from the moment she was born I officially became a mother. But now I'm a mom. Just call me mommy - that's me! I feel redefined as a woman - redefined as a new me. I have encountered many new things about myself - didn't know I could do so many things at once for instance (I can do loads of laundry, make a bottle, make my coffee, entertain her, feed the cats, and study - all at once - wait... did I get to drink that coffee?). Didn't know I could still pull all-nighters (not quite the same when it doesn't involve partying and/or studying, though). I didn't know that I could possibly love my husband any more than I already did, but after seeing him take care of her, I love him a million times more (heads up guys - being a good daddy is a VERY sexy quality in a man). And I didn't know that my heart could possibly contain the amount of love that I have for our baby.
In the past 5 months, she has babbled her way in and out of conversations (her favorite sound: raspberries). She has smiled and laughed a thousand times. She has proved to be a thoughtful, smart, and independent little girl. She hasn't rolled over yet - but has started sitting on her own. She is sleeping pretty well - most nights she will even sleep through the night. She has even started eating some "solid" foods (sweet potatoes - yum!). And in the last 5 months this little girl has us wrapped around her tiny baby finger incredibly tight.
Oh who am I kidding -- that didn't take 5 months, that took 5 seconds. How much do we love our little baby girl... let me count the ways... =)
Older blog from myspace: from 2-27-07
I thought I'd play a bit of catchup for those who haven't read my myspace blog:
reflections on being a mother
Becoming a parent is perhaps the most life-changing event anyone can go through. I know it sounds cliche - we've all heard that a million times, right? But there is no way to comprehend the true meaning of everything that you have heard until you are there in the delivery room, looking at the face of your child for the first time. And then the first sleepless night. And the first time that your baby successfully takes food from you. And the first panicky call to the doctor. And the first car trip, adjusting the straps on the car seat a dozen times to ensure the safety of this tiny person that is now the center of your life.
Hmm... have you gotten the hint that there's a potential for a very, very long blog here? You may be right... I don't blog very often and this is the biggest change in my entire life - of course I could go on forever. And I will. So indulge me please as I attempt (and no doubt will fail) to put words to this incredible landmark in my life.
It's been almost 4 weeks - just amazing, really. In one way it seems like it has only been days because it has flown by. Stephen pointed out that it also feels like years - not because time has dragged on, but because this new life seems so natural to us that it feels as if we've been doing it for years.
Though he must feel more natural at it than I feel. I admit that I have struggled a lot. I'm showing signs of being an overprotective mother. Normal I think - I'm new at this, and she is still so little and defenseless. I suddenly identify with any mother bear protecting her cubs.
But the struggles - emotionally, physically. I expected the emotional problems. And physically - two words: sleep deprivation. And there are moments when I long for the time that I could go out on a whim - for anything, because even boring errands are now a ton more difficult. But then I see her sleeping peacefully and I have time to take in every bit of her. Her gorgeous, dark hair; her cute little nose; her pouty little lips; her impossibly tiny toes; her surprisingly feminine fingers. Then she opens her eyes (so big and blue), and I can see that she is taking in everything around her, and I can almost see into her speedily developing mind as she learns more each day then we do in a year. Everything is so new to her - and it's up to us to help her learn and grow.
And I realize that we made her - she is Stephen, and she is me. How is that possible? She's too good, too beautiful - she can't be ours. Caught up in emotions of love and awe, I forget about the struggles and I realize how lucky I am. Anything that we go through now is worth it.
I look at her and I wonder at how amazing God is. It's moments like these that I think 'how can anyone look at a newborn baby and not believe in God?' (Usually I am much more liberal about accepting anyone's religious views, but at the moment I am indulging in my awe and wonder at this little angel that I am holding in my arms - I couldn't care less about anything else right now) Each baby is a little angel, sent by God. Each angel brings it's own challenges to the parents, with each having a reason for coming into the world. My favorite of her books is called 'God Gave Us You' - it follows a mother polar bear answering the question presented to her by her little bear cub 'Why am I here?' She tells her cub of how she carried the cub and felt him move inside her and how the cub's mother and father were so excited of his arrival. And after every bit of her story she says of her motherly love "God gave us you". I cry every time I read it - OK, I'm even getting teary eyed now. It is a wonderful description of how lucky a parent feels receiving such a gift from God.
I am incredibly blessed in my life - to a new level that I didn't think was possible. I am blessed with this tiny little baby, and I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is an incredible father. Really, I would not have survived so far had it not been for him being by my side.
If I had to (literally) sum it up: worrying + sleep deprivation + the strongest most amazing love you've ever felt = parenthood. It's the toughest job you'll ever love - and man do I love it.
And in true parenting style, it took me about 2 and a half hours to write this - interupted by two diaper changes, a feeding, about a dozen binky rescues, and typing part of it one handed while I held her. Hee hee... gotta love it.
reflections on being a mother
Becoming a parent is perhaps the most life-changing event anyone can go through. I know it sounds cliche - we've all heard that a million times, right? But there is no way to comprehend the true meaning of everything that you have heard until you are there in the delivery room, looking at the face of your child for the first time. And then the first sleepless night. And the first time that your baby successfully takes food from you. And the first panicky call to the doctor. And the first car trip, adjusting the straps on the car seat a dozen times to ensure the safety of this tiny person that is now the center of your life.
Hmm... have you gotten the hint that there's a potential for a very, very long blog here? You may be right... I don't blog very often and this is the biggest change in my entire life - of course I could go on forever. And I will. So indulge me please as I attempt (and no doubt will fail) to put words to this incredible landmark in my life.
It's been almost 4 weeks - just amazing, really. In one way it seems like it has only been days because it has flown by. Stephen pointed out that it also feels like years - not because time has dragged on, but because this new life seems so natural to us that it feels as if we've been doing it for years.
Though he must feel more natural at it than I feel. I admit that I have struggled a lot. I'm showing signs of being an overprotective mother. Normal I think - I'm new at this, and she is still so little and defenseless. I suddenly identify with any mother bear protecting her cubs.
But the struggles - emotionally, physically. I expected the emotional problems. And physically - two words: sleep deprivation. And there are moments when I long for the time that I could go out on a whim - for anything, because even boring errands are now a ton more difficult. But then I see her sleeping peacefully and I have time to take in every bit of her. Her gorgeous, dark hair; her cute little nose; her pouty little lips; her impossibly tiny toes; her surprisingly feminine fingers. Then she opens her eyes (so big and blue), and I can see that she is taking in everything around her, and I can almost see into her speedily developing mind as she learns more each day then we do in a year. Everything is so new to her - and it's up to us to help her learn and grow.
And I realize that we made her - she is Stephen, and she is me. How is that possible? She's too good, too beautiful - she can't be ours. Caught up in emotions of love and awe, I forget about the struggles and I realize how lucky I am. Anything that we go through now is worth it.
I look at her and I wonder at how amazing God is. It's moments like these that I think 'how can anyone look at a newborn baby and not believe in God?' (Usually I am much more liberal about accepting anyone's religious views, but at the moment I am indulging in my awe and wonder at this little angel that I am holding in my arms - I couldn't care less about anything else right now) Each baby is a little angel, sent by God. Each angel brings it's own challenges to the parents, with each having a reason for coming into the world. My favorite of her books is called 'God Gave Us You' - it follows a mother polar bear answering the question presented to her by her little bear cub 'Why am I here?' She tells her cub of how she carried the cub and felt him move inside her and how the cub's mother and father were so excited of his arrival. And after every bit of her story she says of her motherly love "God gave us you". I cry every time I read it - OK, I'm even getting teary eyed now. It is a wonderful description of how lucky a parent feels receiving such a gift from God.
I am incredibly blessed in my life - to a new level that I didn't think was possible. I am blessed with this tiny little baby, and I am blessed with a wonderful husband who is an incredible father. Really, I would not have survived so far had it not been for him being by my side.
If I had to (literally) sum it up: worrying + sleep deprivation + the strongest most amazing love you've ever felt = parenthood. It's the toughest job you'll ever love - and man do I love it.
And in true parenting style, it took me about 2 and a half hours to write this - interupted by two diaper changes, a feeding, about a dozen binky rescues, and typing part of it one handed while I held her. Hee hee... gotta love it.
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